turbogrrl: (robotcoffee)
[personal profile] turbogrrl

so, after several months of them bugging us, we went out to LA to see nick's parents. It doesn't help that I had already been in a bad place, but once again LA worked its black magic and I was suicidally depressed within a day of landing. It's been nearly 20 years since the first time I went out there; the effect has worn off some, in that I'm not actively seeking out bridges and tall buildings to jump off of, but the miasma of misery is pretty tough to weather. I spent a lot of time thinking of all the ways Nick and his family's life would be better if only I could just conveniently die. The dissonance is that I also knew, at the same time, that those thoughts weren't based in reality. It doesn't make it any easier to shut off, though.

I was perfectly fine once we landed home. No more crying or fantasizing about dying. I wish I knew what it was. It's not the time change; I am fine in san francisco, or seattle, or vancouver, or portland. Not at all fine in san diego, though. Is it something in the air? We are mostly bacteria, after all-- is there something that threatens my biome in southern california but not northern? It's exceedingly frustrating since the rest of nick's immediate family now lives there.

They once again started encouraging us to consider moving out. I don't know how to explain to them that they picked the one place that might literally kill me, within weeks. I mean, I told them that I hated LA and we were never moving there and really would not visit them often even *before* they bought the house... but they frequently don't take me seriously.

And once again they are back to saying they will never do more than visit DC occasionally. I've lost track of how many times they have changed their mind on this. They now keep trying to rationalize it as well, it's just not fair to spend part of the year out here because we got to see them so much over the last few years and nick's sister much less so. But that's because she keeps moving *elsewhere*. She went away to college. Then she went away to college some more. And then she moved across the country, and a year or two later they bought a house five miles away from hers. (and of course last year she went to shanghai and is still there.) And it's not like they treat us at all the same. Yes, we have had dinner with them once a week for the last few years. But they keep *us* at a distance. I've spent maybe a grand total of 20 hours in one-on-one conversation with Nick's mom in the last 9 years. So yeah. That was our weekend. Which was mostly just the icing on the shit sandwich of losing another baby last month; we found out the same day we found out Nick's hong kong patriarch died. Some days-- but even more so in LA-- grief quivers in a meniscus at the edges of my soul, threatening to spill out in an ever-expanding pool around me.

And I had such hopes this year would be a better year.

Date: 2016-04-21 02:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ambyr.livejournal.com

There's a lot of year left. I hope some of it brings you happiness.

If there's anything I can do, let me know.

Date: 2016-04-30 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] turbogrrl.livejournal.com
*hug* thanks. And yes, I know, there is lots of time for the year to redeem itself but. phooey.

Date: 2016-04-21 05:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] utforsker.livejournal.com

Moar hugs.

If I can help, please let me know.

Date: 2016-04-30 08:36 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-04-21 10:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] prakriti.livejournal.com

oh kobi. I wish I could make you feel better. *hug* i miss you so incredibly much. love you xxx

Date: 2016-04-30 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] turbogrrl.livejournal.com
love you, miss you. xxxx. And now I have another friend moving to england, so I have even more reasons to visit. One of these days...

Date: 2016-04-28 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rockville.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry to hear about you and your husband's losses. Those are emotional things to deal with, and being in a city that doesn't feel good can make things worse. Make sure to put yourself first and not give in to the guilt trip of your in-laws. They'll probably never be satisfied and it's best just to accept that and let it go.

Anyway, I like your use of the words meniscus and miasma. I hope you feel better, sometimes it just takes time.

Have you seen the movie 'Safe' with Julianne Moore. Todd Haynes is one of my favorite directors. I'm not comparing it to your situation at all, but it reminded me of that movie.

Sending kind thoughts, take care of yourself!

Date: 2016-04-30 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] turbogrrl.livejournal.com
Apparently I was just in an "m" sort of mood :) And yes, mostly it takes time.

I have not seen that movie.

When I was younger it was very hard for me to tell the difference between being depressed and being in a situation that depressed me. With everyone insisting the problem was me, I went ahead and secretly saw a doctor who prescribed me antidepressants, which did not make me less depressed in the moment but completely turned off the setting that made me try to always put everyone else's needs ahead of my own. It was disturbingly enlightening.


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