turbogrrl: (robotcoffee)
[personal profile] turbogrrl

so, after several months of them bugging us, we went out to LA to see nick's parents. It doesn't help that I had already been in a bad place, but once again LA worked its black magic and I was suicidally depressed within a day of landing. It's been nearly 20 years since the first time I went out there; the effect has worn off some, in that I'm not actively seeking out bridges and tall buildings to jump off of, but the miasma of misery is pretty tough to weather. I spent a lot of time thinking of all the ways Nick and his family's life would be better if only I could just conveniently die. The dissonance is that I also knew, at the same time, that those thoughts weren't based in reality. It doesn't make it any easier to shut off, though.

I was perfectly fine once we landed home. No more crying or fantasizing about dying. I wish I knew what it was. It's not the time change; I am fine in san francisco, or seattle, or vancouver, or portland. Not at all fine in san diego, though. Is it something in the air? We are mostly bacteria, after all-- is there something that threatens my biome in southern california but not northern? It's exceedingly frustrating since the rest of nick's immediate family now lives there.

They once again started encouraging us to consider moving out. I don't know how to explain to them that they picked the one place that might literally kill me, within weeks. I mean, I told them that I hated LA and we were never moving there and really would not visit them often even *before* they bought the house... but they frequently don't take me seriously.

And once again they are back to saying they will never do more than visit DC occasionally. I've lost track of how many times they have changed their mind on this. They now keep trying to rationalize it as well, it's just not fair to spend part of the year out here because we got to see them so much over the last few years and nick's sister much less so. But that's because she keeps moving *elsewhere*. She went away to college. Then she went away to college some more. And then she moved across the country, and a year or two later they bought a house five miles away from hers. (and of course last year she went to shanghai and is still there.) And it's not like they treat us at all the same. Yes, we have had dinner with them once a week for the last few years. But they keep *us* at a distance. I've spent maybe a grand total of 20 hours in one-on-one conversation with Nick's mom in the last 9 years. So yeah. That was our weekend. Which was mostly just the icing on the shit sandwich of losing another baby last month; we found out the same day we found out Nick's hong kong patriarch died. Some days-- but even more so in LA-- grief quivers in a meniscus at the edges of my soul, threatening to spill out in an ever-expanding pool around me.

And I had such hopes this year would be a better year.
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September 2017


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