turbogrrl: (robotcoffee)
[personal profile] turbogrrl
It feels like a lot of friends and loved ones are wading through terrible things; and they are mostly things I can't help with.

There is a lot of depression; a lot of money troubles; drugs and other addictions; the loneliness that comes from not having a partner, or having one who can't help with the challenges they are in the middle of.

I suppose in the abstract I *could* help with some of these things, but I suspect that in many ways these problems are like little personal black holes— one could pour infinite amounts of time or money or caring into them but frequently there doesn't seem to be an end or it's not the right type of time/money/caring... and the reality is that I probably would wake up three months from now with a 30-something on my couch in our one-room one-bathroom home who was only "looking for a place to crash for a weekend". (And I know at least two of the people in that situation do drugs. I can't have that in my house. I understand wanting to escape, but... but.)

As the price tag for our as-yet-unbuilt home keeps spiraling higher i keep wondering if we're being hopelessly irresponsible. If spending this money on a home is utterly selfish, when I have friends worrying about being homeless, worrying where the next paycheck will come from, worrying that their loved ones won't make it home one night due to the color of their skin.

Some days I feel awful about how incredibly lucky i am.

Date: 2016-10-02 10:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] utforsker.livejournal.com

Oh, dear.  My heart goes out to you. Friends in trouble are such a temptation to give beyond my means. I wish you well in setting good protective boundaries. Keep building the house.

Date: 2016-10-03 12:09 am (UTC)
ivy: Two strands of ivy against a red wall (Default)
From: [personal profile] ivy
I'm in a similar position but haven't been writing about it... I've offered help, but I can't have that turning into the never leaving non working adult houseguest, and it would. It's still brutal to watch the progression, even if it's something you can't help with in the right way. My sympathies to everyone.


Date: 2016-10-03 04:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] he-who-wanders.livejournal.com
There will always be people with more and there will always be people with less (of everything). The only person that can decide if what you are doing is "right" is you. That is one of the hard lessons of adulthood, no one else can really make those decisions for you and even if you let them the responsibility is still yours ;)

If it is any small consolation in my opinion you are generous with your time, attention, and resources. You genuinely care about others and want what is best for them.

I think you deserve to have a home that makes you happy.

There are certainly days I think that it is terribly unfair how luck I've been from accident of birth, genetics and right place, right time. I can't change any of those so I'm left with knowledge that all I can do is the best I can to make the most of what I have and try to use those gifts to try to accomplish something of use/value to others.


As I've said many times - this is my go to video for putting my mind in the right perspective for thinking about hard choices like these - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI
Edited Date: 2016-10-04 03:11 am (UTC)

Date: 2016-10-03 06:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] examorata.livejournal.com
I feel like I have had the "you really do have to put your own oxygen mask on first" conversation with a lot of friends lately. Not to say there aren't things to be done; merely to say that it is safe and okay and good to do them judiciously and thoughtfully.

I feel awful about how lucky I am sometimes too, but when I feel that creeping up I try to turn it into active gratitude. Like, what can I do to put something else good into the world?


Date: 2016-10-03 09:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vicar.livejournal.com
It often takes a lot of life choices to wind up so helpless. You you can judge, and no you don't have to help. If knowing about them you think they deserve help - because they made a long series of safe responsible choices and they still have problems, then it's an option.

As you can tell, I've wasted enough time on people in bad situations who put themselves there, and even after help, find new ones or wind up predictably screwed because they live like the grasshopper.

Date: 2016-10-03 09:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mark-argent.livejournal.com
even as bad as things get, and they do get bad, I have to remember that, relatively speaking, providence has smiled upon me so far.

Date: 2016-10-04 07:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rockville.livejournal.com
I think it's wonderful to feel blessed and grateful for what you have, it's all about perspective. It's hard not to feel guilty in comparison to others who are struggling, but the fact that you care about them is a blessing to them, really. I've been on both sides of the coin so I know, as I'm sure you do.

Even though I'm lacking things at the moment, I feel grateful for the many things I do have, like my health, a home, friends, and mostly my hope for great things.
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