turbogrrl: (robotcoffee)
[personal profile] turbogrrl
I knew when I signed a telework agreement that we would get at least one snow event. But I had hoped that it wouldn't actively screw with my trip... alas.

A friend's husband committed suicide by jumping off the golden gate bridge a month ago. She's got a really awesome support network that had been scheduling people to be with her nearly non-stop at first but the schedule had started to taper after a few weeks-- which is when she realized that their 15th anniversary was coming up and she was likely to be a mess again. I volunteered to fly out for 6 days around the anniversary, which meant that I could just be ambiently *there* 24x7 and folks wouldn't need to worry about getting critical timeslots filled. I didn't want to take 4 days of leave, though, so signed up for telework. The helpful thing about telework was that I could just stay on DC time-- roll out of bed at 4am, work for 8 hours, and then have nearly the whole day to spend on my friend. I took a travel day and the day of the anniversary off, but worked friday and monday. Everything would have worked perfectly... and then they canceled my flight out monday afternoon. The only flight they didn't cancel was the 7am flight the next morning, so I ended up having to take tuesday (the "snow" day!) off because i was traveling during the entire workday. and now I have a migraine the size of texas and the wind is howling so I rolled over and took a sick day this morning. I am wiped.

Usenix folks were incredibly kind- the original plan was to get her to SREcon in the morning monday, I would lobbycon it for an hour or so and then head to the airport. When my flight got canceled they stored my luggage at registration and let me skim into the sold-out event as her Emotional Support Engineer.


It's really hard. Nothing we can do will bring her husband back. (Although, in a twist of fate I was somehow expecting would happen while I was there, a commercial fishing boat may have recovered the body. DNA/dental checks will take a month or more though.) She's always going to have dark moments where she replays events, wonder what she could have done differently, and blames herself.

A bunch of us were talking, and it became apparent that ... many of us have an idea of *how* we would kill ourselves, if we got to that point. It both disturbs and comforts me that so many of us have these dark seeds in us. I made an executive decision a long time ago that I would not kill myself while I have close relatives/dependents, which has in several cases gotten me past the window of dismal opportunity. Because lord, it is a terribly cruel thing to do to the people left behind.

Other lessons: get a fucking will together. if you have opinions about how your funeral should go, express them in advance. go to therapy.

god, I am tired.
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September 2017


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