number theory

there is power, in a number.
the result of
an equation so complex
of love
and pain
and fears
and expectations.

variables exponentiated-
runtime climbs precipitously,
the larger the dataset.
and yet,
the solution
is always a whole number.

and so he asked me-
how many people have you slept with?

spring

It's been a strange week. Spring has been stirring all sorts of emotions and feelings and energy. I've spent a lot of time in the last week with new people, trying to get out of my shell. Jason came to town and we wended our way from coffeeshop to teashop, from adams morgan down to chinatown and penn quarter. Brought back pleasant lazy weekend ambles with S and convexhull. Pity they moved across the country.

I met an interesting guy last week- a cute young divorce lawyer! Who lives in Dupont! And likes the same bookstores! So suddenly this week I've been acting like a proverbial college student- staying out late drinking, dragging my sorry ass to class hung over, or just lazing in bed, reading. Better late than never, I suppose. But still- odd, for me.

I still feel as if I'm floating in some sort of suspended animation. But it may be the lack of sleep.

fear

Again with the self-consciousness, leading to immobilizing fear. Every time I try to take a step *towards* something, I freeze.

How to lose consciousness of self? That sinking, raw awareness of just how wrongly one fits into the universe in that particular moment, when the words don't come and the voice quavers, and all of the arm gestures are awkwardly akimbo.

I can't strive toward something without carrying in me the image of me failing. Effort is inextricably bound with the sense of failure. For me to speak "I want this" invites the world to inform me the myrid ways in which I don't even deserve the chance to try.

I am utterly confident in the timely quip, the quirk of the eyebrow, the silly gesture that breaks the tension in a group of people. And yet... all of that surety deserts me when I am the cynosure of even one pair of eyes.

I wish there were some way for me not to think at all.