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I have 40 pages of research to write, a class to teach, a website to code, a homework to do, and a final exam to study for, all in the next two weeks. I'm swamped.
For whatever reason, as I get to the end of this road, it seems as if I can't start on anything until the fear of failing utterly by doing nothing supersedes the fear of doing something inadequate.
All roads lead back to fear. Fear of not being good enough, smart enough. Fear of what others will think. Even being aware of it, knowing how my behavior is controlled by it, is not enough to defeat the ever-present underlying fear. I keep hoping by looking at it, putting it out into sunlight, that I can just deal with it somehow... as if three decades of conditioning (be good, be nice, don't draw attention to yourself, don't speak up, don't make them mad, make everyone feel better, deflect, ease, soothe, be invisible, don't fuck up... THANKS MOM!) can be dealt with with calm logic. Hasn't quite worked yet.
Graduating leads to another fear: what next? I still don't know if UMD will hire me full-time. The budget is pretty wretched. I have no intention of spending my own money on a graduate degree, which means that I may just not do the Archives grad degree. I could seek work full time, somewhere else... but there isn't a venture going on (that I know of) that makes me itch to be a part of it.
I went to the iSchool introduction session/"not-an-orientation", and, well... they're nice folks. But it certainly wouldn't be a challenging degree. Well, in the intellectual exhilaration sense. I think it would challenge me emotionally, as school itself continues to challenge me.
The prof that offered to take me on as a CS grad student- yeah. The frustrating thing for me is that in the last six months, I've had three professors really try to take an interest in me, and sell me on... CS. Which would be the first time any professor has done so, for any concentration, in the course of my studies. Having coped with disinterested professors and grad students for the last 5 years, having trudged this far through an intellectual wasteland of pure drudgery, it's like having three butlers wander up with a flute of champagne after I've been lost in the desert for ages. Are you fucking kidding me? You're a mirage, right? Why not a glass of water, or a chunk of bread? Something that would *really* help.
The fact that it's CS is just more hilarious, given that the Deans office has repeatedly said "No, you can't take classes that interest you unless you devote three years to starting over at the beginning. No, we won't let you take something else to make up for that class we don't offer anymore. Actually, really, why don't you just start over somewhere else."
And then, the professor who actually made an ...offer of an offer. It's not going to go anywhere. He's brilliant, yes. But he's also inappropriate, inaccessible, opaque, and an ass. That, and while he is losing several students which leaves him at loose ends, I don't see a way he can pay me enough as an RA that would be justifiable and do things like pay my mortgage. He could have a handful of wide-eyed acolytes at half the price. (On the other hand, I *can* write. I could probably write my way to a few significant grants for him to pay for it.) I am kind of curious what prompted him to make the offer at all, though. I've not rejected it out of hand, but since he's out of town for the next two weeks, there's really no point in thinking about it at all.
Except, of course, that it is not my research, and is thus infinitely more fascinating to consider.
Who needs a drink?
For whatever reason, as I get to the end of this road, it seems as if I can't start on anything until the fear of failing utterly by doing nothing supersedes the fear of doing something inadequate.
All roads lead back to fear. Fear of not being good enough, smart enough. Fear of what others will think. Even being aware of it, knowing how my behavior is controlled by it, is not enough to defeat the ever-present underlying fear. I keep hoping by looking at it, putting it out into sunlight, that I can just deal with it somehow... as if three decades of conditioning (be good, be nice, don't draw attention to yourself, don't speak up, don't make them mad, make everyone feel better, deflect, ease, soothe, be invisible, don't fuck up... THANKS MOM!) can be dealt with with calm logic. Hasn't quite worked yet.
Graduating leads to another fear: what next? I still don't know if UMD will hire me full-time. The budget is pretty wretched. I have no intention of spending my own money on a graduate degree, which means that I may just not do the Archives grad degree. I could seek work full time, somewhere else... but there isn't a venture going on (that I know of) that makes me itch to be a part of it.
I went to the iSchool introduction session/"not-an-orientation", and, well... they're nice folks. But it certainly wouldn't be a challenging degree. Well, in the intellectual exhilaration sense. I think it would challenge me emotionally, as school itself continues to challenge me.
The prof that offered to take me on as a CS grad student- yeah. The frustrating thing for me is that in the last six months, I've had three professors really try to take an interest in me, and sell me on... CS. Which would be the first time any professor has done so, for any concentration, in the course of my studies. Having coped with disinterested professors and grad students for the last 5 years, having trudged this far through an intellectual wasteland of pure drudgery, it's like having three butlers wander up with a flute of champagne after I've been lost in the desert for ages. Are you fucking kidding me? You're a mirage, right? Why not a glass of water, or a chunk of bread? Something that would *really* help.
The fact that it's CS is just more hilarious, given that the Deans office has repeatedly said "No, you can't take classes that interest you unless you devote three years to starting over at the beginning. No, we won't let you take something else to make up for that class we don't offer anymore. Actually, really, why don't you just start over somewhere else."
And then, the professor who actually made an ...offer of an offer. It's not going to go anywhere. He's brilliant, yes. But he's also inappropriate, inaccessible, opaque, and an ass. That, and while he is losing several students which leaves him at loose ends, I don't see a way he can pay me enough as an RA that would be justifiable and do things like pay my mortgage. He could have a handful of wide-eyed acolytes at half the price. (On the other hand, I *can* write. I could probably write my way to a few significant grants for him to pay for it.) I am kind of curious what prompted him to make the offer at all, though. I've not rejected it out of hand, but since he's out of town for the next two weeks, there's really no point in thinking about it at all.
Except, of course, that it is not my research, and is thus infinitely more fascinating to consider.
Who needs a drink?
