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"i'm not stupid!"
Jul. 10th, 2015 10:29 pmSometimes, I vex my spouse by asking if he's done such-and-such a thing, if he'd remembered all of the crosses and dots for the t's and i's, basically, you know, asking the obvious. Sometime multiple times. "I'm not stupid!" he's said. "Yes, I
thought of that. and that."
I'd made plans to meet my cousin early this morning, and woke up at 4:45 second guessing myself. wait-- she said she was leaving early from the conference, which means she'll want to check out of her hotel. maybe we should meet closer to the hotel? what if she's uncomfortable bringing luggage to breakfast? is our plan waking her up too early?
And then some quiet part of my brain woke up and said, quite clearly, This is Not Your Problem to Worry About.
The thing is, it's not even a "can't trust other people to do things right", even though that is mostly how people have interpreted it. I realized, somewhere in the hazy purple of 5am, that it stems from growing up with people whose anger always flowed outward. Not that I was *responsible* for things going wrong, but if I was in the orbit, that somehow I was always to blame. Somehow, I grew up thinking, if I just made my lists long enough, if I thought of all of the contingencies and checked them off, that maybe I could slide through without getting blasted with someone's frustration and anger. It's a false premise, designed to keep me spinning in endless, futile circles.
I'm not sure why it took so many decades to come to this realization.
Another thing I haven't figured out is why it seems easier now to learn things than it did 20 years ago. I remember looking at some of the same things before, and just having my eyes cross and my head hurt. Now I read technical things and they make sense. It's bizarre.
thought of that. and that."
I'd made plans to meet my cousin early this morning, and woke up at 4:45 second guessing myself. wait-- she said she was leaving early from the conference, which means she'll want to check out of her hotel. maybe we should meet closer to the hotel? what if she's uncomfortable bringing luggage to breakfast? is our plan waking her up too early?
And then some quiet part of my brain woke up and said, quite clearly, This is Not Your Problem to Worry About.
The thing is, it's not even a "can't trust other people to do things right", even though that is mostly how people have interpreted it. I realized, somewhere in the hazy purple of 5am, that it stems from growing up with people whose anger always flowed outward. Not that I was *responsible* for things going wrong, but if I was in the orbit, that somehow I was always to blame. Somehow, I grew up thinking, if I just made my lists long enough, if I thought of all of the contingencies and checked them off, that maybe I could slide through without getting blasted with someone's frustration and anger. It's a false premise, designed to keep me spinning in endless, futile circles.
I'm not sure why it took so many decades to come to this realization.
Another thing I haven't figured out is why it seems easier now to learn things than it did 20 years ago. I remember looking at some of the same things before, and just having my eyes cross and my head hurt. Now I read technical things and they make sense. It's bizarre.
